The Olympic Buffet: Sunday, August 24

Oh, NBC, you think you’re so tricky. How could we have possibly guessed who would win the men’s 10m platform diving when you showed us two teenage Americans low in the rankings, two Chinese divers striving to close out their country’s sweep, and a stray Australian? With a mysterious Russian popping up for the last two rounds? How could that possibly end? Kudos, though, for keeping the camera on the Japanese synchronized swimming team as they tried to help a stricken teammate out of the pool, because I swear there was a rescue diver in the water. In synchronized swimming. That’s more golden than the medals.

Sunday’s Blue Plate Special: NBC may have mentioned this once or twice, but the Closing Ceremony will be broadcast tonight. These always make me a touch melancholy–especially when the flame is extinguished; four years to wait!–but it’s a lot of fun to see the athletes let their hair down and mingle. It’s also fun to see what wackiness the next host city presents to introduce themselves to the world. The 2012 Games are in London, so I’m kind of hoping Boris Johnson steps aside and lets Eddie Izzard accept the Olympic flag while The Who play at the top of Big Ben with Harry Potter characters whizzing by Parliament. Or something. The closing spectacular was again designed by the wonderful director Zhang Yimou, and not, as I kept hearing as I wandered in and out of the living room during the Opening Ceremony, Johnnie Mo (“is he a Hong Kong action director? That doesn’t sound exactly right.”)

Sunday’s Chef’s Special: The euphoria following the Opening Ceremony was quickly deflated when a bizarre and random attack killed a tourist and seriously injured his wife and guide. What a strange coincidence when the victims turned out to be the in-laws of US men’s volleyball coach Hugh McCutcheon, who has exhibited at least as much endurance as the marathon runners in seeing this Olympics through after such a tragedy. His team has responded, making an unlikely run to the gold medal game, which will be broadcast on NBC in primetime (before the Closing Ceremony; spoilers will abound). McCutcheon’s wife is 2004 US volleyball Olympian Elisabeth Bachman McCutcheon, and her former teammates rallied to an emotional and unexpected silver medal. McCutcheon’s own team is guaranteed at least the same, and whether they take home that or the gold, their perseverance is emblematic of the determination and spirit of all the athletes we’ve enjoyed through the last weeks. Those athletes will be banking all of that will for the next four years–and we’ll be back to watch them.

The Olympic Buffet: Saturday, August 23

The “NBC giveth, and NBC taketh away” nature of US Olympic coverage continues, with a strangely piecemeal presentation of the decathlon. It’s pretty hard to build any sense of drama and suspense when you show only one competitor. And yet, showing the medal ceremony for the men’s 400m encapsulated the highs and lows of the Games in one well-framed shot, with stone-faced silver medalist Jeremy Wariner a stark contrast to glowing bronze medalist David Neville belting out the national anthem. Just when I write NBC off…

Saturday’s Blue Plate Special: The aforementoned Wariner and Neville are joined by gold medalist LaShawn Merritt in the finals of the men’s 4x400m relay (the women’s race is contested today, too). Since the baton passes in the longer relay aren’t blind passes, the drama comes from the running instead of the butterfingers (the heavily-favored Jamaican women were the latest to cough up the stick in the 4x100m; Usain Bolt, however, is made of gold and therefore magnetic, so the Jamaican men were okay). As is tradition, the 4×400 races are the last of the meet, so there should be a party atmosphere in the air (unless International Olympic Committee president Jacques Rogge is around, as he apparently hates parties).

Saturday’s Chef’s Special: Since I’m not very bright and can’t read a schedule, we missed mentioning whitewater kayak and canoe (which meant not only missing the neat event where people have to change direction while drowning to paddle upstream but also missing Togo’s first Olympic medal). We’re on top of the last medals awarded in the flatwater events, however. “Paddle” sounds kind of quaint and adorable, but the quad teams move so fast they could pull a water skiier behind them. That’s…possibly not human. The “sprints” (500m) in doubles and singles for both canoe and kayak will be broadcast today, and while the solo and partner boats don’t fly quite as fast as the quads, they undoubtedly feel the burn. Daytime on NBC; the Olympic coverage goes most of the day, so you may have to keep checking in.

(We’d mention the synchronized swimming finals, but it makes us miss the Darling Mermaid Darlings. We need new Pushing Daisies. Is the new fall season here yet? Because the Olympics can’t keep us happy much longer.)

The Olympic Buffet: Friday, August 22

NBC’s sideline interviews haven’t been outstanding–Andrea Kremer putting an awkward hand on weeping 15-year-old diver Haley Ishimatsu‘s shoulder after Ishimatsu didn’t qualify for the 10m platform finals was a low point–but the live interviews at the Bird’s Nest provided a couple of moments today that give a glimmer of hope. The interview immediately after the US women’s 4X100m relay team dropped the baton led to a still-panting Lauryn Williams claiming that someone must have a voodoo doll with “USA” on it, an amusing distraction from the unfortunate result. And while I am one who tends to roll my eyes when an athlete drags God into their victory (what, God hates your opponent? Leave God alone), the interview immediately after the 200m race allowed Allyson Felix, disappointed silver medalist and daughter of a preacher man, to direct some thanks heavenward after she lost. This refreshing change of pace makes us wonder if there might be a point to the sideline reporters after all.

Friday’s Blue Plate Special: A lot of superlatives get tossed around in sport (why is The World’s Fastest Man the guy who wins the 100m instead of the one who wins the 10,000m?); tonight you can see the guy they’ll call The World’s Greatest Athlete, the winner of the decathlon, crowned. What makes an athlete “the greatest” is open to debate, but the decathletes are pretty darned impressive, having to demonstrate remarkable speed (100m, 400m, 110m hurdles), hops (long jump and high jump), strength and technique (pole vault, javelin, discus, and shot put), and endurance (capping it all with a 1500m run). Reigning world indoor champion Bryan Clay is favored for gold but will have to hold off the only man ever to break 9,000 points in the decathlon, Athens silver medalist and defending Olympic champion Roman Sebrle. Sebrle also just happened to be skewered by a javelin during training last year. Can you imagine being the poor javelin thrower who pinned The World’s Greatest Athlete? See how Sebrle has recovered, and how he, Clay, and others battle it out, noon (EDT) and in primetime on NBC (spoilers could hit you in the shoulder).

Friday’s Chef’s Special: Turn the decathlon upside down with the modern pentathlon. The founder of the modern Olympics started the modern pentathlon to create the perfect athlete, balancing physical and moral superiority. Why this sport would be more moral than any of the others (take that, basketball rapscallions!) is unclear, but it does require a broad and impressive skill set. Rather than throwing or jumping over things, pentathletes shoot pistols, fence, swim 200m, show jump pretty horsies, and run 3K. You can see how the modern pentathlon nicely updates the ancient one, trading hand-to-hand combat skills for more tehcnologically based bloodletting. While it has a military history, it screams dueling to me, so I am dying to see if anyone slaps a rival with a glove. The women’s competition can be found on USA Network at noon EDT.

The Olympic Buffet: Thursday, August 21

Thank goodness there weren’t any sports being contested at the Olympics today so NBC could show the “Champions’ Gala” gymnastics musicale revue in which absolutely no medals were awarded. In other news, Usain Bolt is awesome. In fairness, so were NBC and commentator Ato Boldon in untangling the disqualifications in the men’s 200m and capturing the moment when Walter Dix was told he had medaled. And, to be further fair, they did finally talk about Natalie du Toit and my favorite Olympic victor so far, super heavyweight weightlifter Matthias Steiner, so points added back.

Thursday’s Blue Plate Special: NBC will probably try to sell you on the idea that the compelling story in the women’s 10m platform diving competition is 30-year-old Sydney gold medalist Laura Wilkinson and whether she can reach the podium in her third Olympics. I’d argue the more compelling story is whether China can sweep the gold medals in the diving events. Only the individual platform events remain in their way, but a Chinese diver hasn’t won the women’s Olympic platform gold since the great Fu Mingxia repeated in Atlanta. The Chinese hopes this time are pinned on 15- and 16-year-old athletes who weigh less than 65 pounds each–will they come through, or overrotate buckle with the eyes of a nation on them? Primetime on NBC (spoilage is possible).

Thursday’s Chef’s Special: It’s easy to make fun of rhythmic gymnastics–see below, if you dare to think of Matt Lauer, Al Roker, and Brian Williams in spandex–and the waving a little ribbon around doesn’t help. But if you actually watch the sport for a few minutes, it becomes clear that rhythmic requires not only incredible flexibility (perhaps more than any other athletes here) but the kind of hand-eye coordination found in the great shooters, archers, and badminton and table tennis players who have competed here. Try shooting an arrow or hitting a birdie with your leg pulled so far up over your head your foot touches your nose. It’s hard work, and you can see it from 1-2pm on NBC.

The Olympic Buffet: Tuesday, August 19

I’m not sure what I think about his histrionics in terms of sport, but since NBC is a fourth-place network, I just don’t think they have anything to lose by putting Bela Karolyi in his own reality show. Possibly with subtitles.

Tuesday’s Blue Plate Special: The men’s 110m hurdles competition has turned out to be a heartbreaker (damn you, Lane 2!), but the women’s version still has L-O-L-O Lolo. Lolo Jones has gone from living in a church basement as a kid because her mom couldn’t afford rent to being in the running for a gold medal in Beijing. Given that she has the audacity not only to call her website runlolorun.com but to have “Whatever Lola [ahem!] Wants” play when you visit, I’m essentially forced to root for her. She’s joined by two more Americans (Damu Cherry and Dawn Harper), two Jamaicans (Delloreen Ennis-London and Brigitte Foster-Hylton), and three additonal runners from the Commonwealth (Canadian Priscilla Lopes-Schliep, Aussie Sally McLellan, and Brit Sarah Claxton) for the “Sun Never Sets on the Hurdlers of the British Empire” race. Shown on NBC in primetime; beware spoilers.

Tuesday’s Chef’s Special: Weightlifting comes to a close today with the men’s super heavyweights (231+ pounds). These are big boys, and they sometimes get written off, I think, as just being behemoths who throw weights around with their giant, stump-like arms. They’re a lot more than that–the jumping ability necessary to execute the clean and jerk often translates into ridiculous vertical leaps. Vertical leaps of three to three-and-a-half feet kind of vertical leap, which puts the weightlifters in the same category as the NBA players competing in the basketball competition. No, seriously. Watch and be astounded, early morning EDT on MSNBC.

The Olympic Buffet: Monday, August 18

OKSANA CHUSOVITINA!!!! Woo! And NBC even deigned to show her this time!

Wow, I wish I were in Jamaica this week–there might be a party or two celebrating sweeping the 100m races. Too bad we had to watch an extensive feature on Michael Phelps’ shoelaces and Mary Carillo’s search for acupuncture before seeing it. Expect this to be much worse in 2012, as I doubt NBC will get the Brits to move events around to accommodate the US (read: East Coast) market.

Monday’s Blue Plate Special: The gymnastics coverage is winding down, with finals in rings, uneven bars, women’s trampoline, and men’s vault. We admit to pulling for the 2nd-place rings qualifier, Bulgaria’s 35-year-old Jordan Jovtchev, who is competing in his fifth Olympics. While he’s won four Olympic medals, he’s still chasing that elusive gold (which some people thought he was robbed of in Athens). Jovtchev, however, has another fan base that may never have seen him in his specialty. He’s competed several times in the Japanese obstacle course show Sasuke (shown in the US on G4 almost daily under the alias Ninja Warrior), a competition that somehow manages to be both an amazing demonstration of athleticism and a little hilarious. That’s right–Jordan Jovtchev has faced not only the rings, but the Rumbling Dice, the Cliff Hanger, and the Jumping Spider. He’s never achieved “total victory” on the obstacle course, but we’re kind of hoping he will in the Olympic Games. Female gymnasts are in action, too, with all-around champion Nastia Liukin, reigning bars world champion Ksenia Semenova, and event specialists He Kexin and Yang Yilin in the running. Primetime on NBC (thar be spoilers).

Monday’s Chef’s Special: Table tennis might be the most universal sports contested at these games. It’s a nearly ubiquitous basement or backyard experience; it revolutionized the video game industry; and it changed geopolitics. And at the Olympic level, it’s played at the speed of light, with both tricky changes of pace that resemble knuckleballs and overhead smashes that, frankly, seem a little dangerous. Since it’s enormously popular in China (Chinese president Hu Jintao recently stated that if he could be in the Olympics, he’d choose to play table tennis), it’s a perfect opportunity to soak in the soaring support the heavily Chinese crowds have rained down in the Olympic venues. Morning hours on both MSNBC and USA.

The Olympic Buffet: Sunday, August 17

Hooray for the old ladies! In addition to Dara Torres’s remarkable performance in the pool, 38-year-old Romanian runner Constantina Tomescu-Dita won the women’s marathon and 35-year-old Bulgarian rower Rumyana Neykova won the women’s single sculls yesterday. In their honor, I shall continue to sit on the couch and watch their exploits on TV. This sacrifice may mean I will actually go mad trying to figure out how the NBC family of networks can show only a handful of gymnasts but the entire men’s 20K walk. And then follow it up with Jimmy Roberts’s stand-out piece on 1970s ping-pong diplomacy. And then play Michael Phelps clip pieces over both “In Your Eyes” and “Knights of Cydonia”. You are indeed an enigma wrapped in a riddle, NBC.

Sunday’s Blue Plate Special: The Fastest Man on Earth may have been crowned yesterday (good criminy, Usain Bolt), but his sprinting sisters take the track for their 100m final today. There are several compelling stories among the potential finalists, including teeny big-race specialist Lauryn Williams (silver medalist in Athens and 2007 Worlds; gold at 2005 Worlds) and Kerron Stewart and Sherone Simpson, who will try to pull off the 100m/200m double for Jamaica after legendary Veronica Campbell-Brown shockingly missed out on the 100. They’ll be joined by Torri Edwards, returning after a suspension for testing positive for a drug no longer deemed illegal; Debbie Ferguson-McKenzie, representing the Bahamas in her fourth Olympics; and Belarussian Yuliya Nestsiarenka, the defending Olympic champion. NBC in primetime; the race is earlier, so watch out for spoilers.

Sunday’s Chef’s Special: Today is your last chance to catch rowing, starring athletes with the largest lung capacities ever recorded. All of the medals being contested today are team endeavors, so the rowing you’ll be seeing is kind of like sprinting a mile (more, actually; the course is 2000 meters) with the precision of synchronized divers–while pulling a boat with you. One of the bronze medalists yesterday, rowing through a stomach ailment, had to have a rescue boat sent after him following his race, collapsing on the deck afterwards and having to be carried to his own medal ceremony. These folks are tough. The sculling events have two oars per athlete; the sweeping events have one offset oar per participant, like in Ben Hur. You get the feeling watching these amazing athletes that if they were Ben Hur’s rowing galley slaves, we’d all be speaking Italian today (boat cavalry!). Coverage of as many as seven finals on NBC between 1 and 5pm EDT (be careful of spoilers).

The Olympic Buffet: Saturday, August 16

Aw, Alain Bernard. How can I stay mad at you when you comfort the sobbing Brazilian who just beat you for the 50m freestyle gold by unzipping his superswimsuit? Blast the Olympics–I always want to bake for all the athletes by the end of the day. Michael Phelps looks like he could use a cupcake after that race.

Saturday’s Blue Plate Special: Hey, did you know that Dara Torres is old? You may not be able to watch her compete in the women’s 50m free, because I know you’re sensitive and if the announcers are telling the truth, she’s the Cryptkeeper. So if you’d rather watch something else, the title of Fastest Man on Earth (literally, rather than in the water) will be decided today. American Tyson Gay, whom you kind of have to love for remembering the spirit of Jesse Owens, was injured at the US Olympic Trials–will he be able to bring his best? Will it matter, with Jamaica’s Usain Bolt putting up a sub-10 second heat while looking like he’s jogging to catch the bus? Will Bolt’s somewhat forgotten countryman, former world record holder Asafa Powell, steal the thunder that seems to be following Bolt? Or will we all be shocked by an upset? The race will be over in 10 seconds, but the electric buildup will be worth it. WARNING: NBC is showing this in primetime, but the actual race will be long over by then, so be careful if you hate spoilers.

Saturday’s Chef’s Special: Welcome to the Terrordo…er, the Velodrome. First off, “velodrome” is just a cool word. Second, track cycling has all of the mind-boggling muscle and lung capacity of its road racing cousins coupled with pinpoint strategy and wobbly weirdness as competitors stalk each other and try to balance at close to a full stop to force stalkers to take the lead (the latter in the sprint event). They don’t even have brakes, for heaven’s sakes. I confess to having a favorite in the race being shown today, 18-year-old “Mini Phinney,” Taylor Phinney. Yes, it’s adorable that he’s an 18-year-old competing here. Yes, it’s adorable that he’s the Nastia Liukin of cycling, the son of 1984 road race gold medalist Connie Carpenter-Phinney (who also competed in the Winter Olympics in speed skating) and 1984 time trial bronze medalist Davis Phinney (who just happens to be the first American to win a stage of the Tour de France). But, darn it, I remember Connie and Davis competing, and it hurts to know that Davis Phinney is now fighting Parkinson’s disease severe enough to keep him from some of his son’s races and lead to experimental brain surgery. He’s recovered well enough to travel to Beijing to watch his son compete in the Olympics, which was not at all a sure thing. They are such great champions and seem like such a lovely family…oh. I don’t know if Mini Phinney is really in the medals race, but…come on, kiddo–just be good. Listed for 1-2pm EDT on NBC; watch out for spoilers.

The Olympic Buffet: Friday, August 15

Not that NBC showed us who it was, but someone did her floor exercise to Pirates of the Caribbean during the women’s gymnastics all-around last night. Which is a wee bit funny. Maybe it was German athlete Oksana Chusovitina, whom NBC could not be bothered to show us even though she finished ninth at the age of 33.

Friday’s Blue Plate Special: If you’ve grown tired of people crossing distances in water, you’ll be delighted to know that “athletics” (track and field) start today, including heats in the men’s 100m dash, which you are likely to hear a loooooot about before the final is contested. Still, there are a couple of events left in swimming, and while we’ve joked a bit about “that Phelps guy,” Michael Phelps is putting on a stunning show. Tonight’s the scary one, though–the 100m butterfly, where his opponents include world record holder Ian Crocker. Crocker has swum two races at these Olympics (heats and semis in the butterfly). Phelps has swum two races before lunch during these Games. Can Phelps hold off Crocker and the rest of a loaded field to tie Mark Spitz’s gold record? Just after 10pm EDT on NBC.

Friday’s Chef’s Special: If yesterday’s ancient martial sport wasn’t really for you, try on your Robin Hood by checking out the men’s individual archery finals. If you’ve never tried archery, let me assure you–there is a decent chance you can’t pull the bowstring back all the way. And if you manage to pull it back a little, it won’t last, and you will have so little control over where the arrow goes you’ll be at risk of putting someone’s eye out. Possibly your own. These archers are strong. eagle-eyed, icy, and strong. Catch them in the act over some brunch on USA Network,

The Olympic Buffet: Thursday, August 14

Whoa, my family’s known Kristin Armstrong forever. I am taking a lot of crap for not making the women’s cycling time trial the Chef’s Special yesterday. I was, er, trying to let her fly under the radar! And fly she did.

Thursday’s Blue Plate Special: Oh, that terrible Alicia Sacramone. If only she hadn’t fallen on beam and floor, the American women’s gymnastics team would have…missed the gold by slightly less. Since it’s not very hard to find the actual numbers, including the crucial start values, and since it’s not exactly higher math, can we all agree to leave Sacramone alone to deal with the fact that she didn’t take full advantage of the world stage instead of accusing her of ripping the gold away from her teammates? Besides, the best of those teammates, load-bearers Shawn Johnson and Nastia Liukin, get plenty of chances for more gold, including tonight in the all-around competition. They qualified 1-2, but I’m sure someone will find some way to blame Alicia Sacramone should they not tie and both win gold tonight. Primetime on NBC (like they wouldn’t show gymnastics). Good luck surviving Al Trautwig’s astonishingly bad commentary. Also, that Phelps guy swims again.

Thursday’s Chef’s Special: En garde, you swashbuckling blackguards! Admit it–you’ve pretended you’re a pirate. Given the popularity of the recent Johnny Depp movies, you may have pretended you’re a pirate recently. The competitors in the women’s team sabre finals will chuckle indulgently in your general direction and then slice you up. No ruffs and powdered wigs here–not only are the athletes nearly faster than the eye can register, but they’re in what look like spacesuits that light up when they get tagged. Futuristic swordplay–if this inspires you to try sabre at home, please use paper towel rolls as you start out. Morning on USA Network.